For ten days at the end of 2020, including Christmas Day, my wife was inpatient at UW hospital due to a fungal infection in her lungs. She came home, but her health and the pandemic has continued to keep her hostage in the house. The physical and emotional toll has kept me from writing.
The pandemic continues, and my wife’s health continues to rule many aspects of our lives, but I am determined to get back to writing and sharing stories. I began writing this post while she was in the hospital, but the story was too close and raw. I froze and I couldn’t finish writing it then. Enough time has finally passed, I want to try again.
Because of COVID, no visitors were allowed and she was not allowed to leave her room to walk the halls. What started out as a very small room, felt ever smaller as the days passed and she was still there. Medical equipment crowded around the bed, with tubes leading every which way, so you could take only one or maybe two steps before having to regroup and turn around.
Her room faced an inner courtyard. She could see into COVID ICU rooms across the way. She watched as teams of medical staff scurried frantically to save lives. And she witnessed at least one lost and the eerie glow of the UV light room sterilizing tower that followed. She could not see anything natural, not even the sky.
At some point during her stay, during one of our many FaceTime chats, I told her about a walk I was planning to take.
“Take pictures to remind me that there is still a world beyond these four walls,” she said.
“Of course,” I replied.
So, I began to walk, camera in hand. As I took pictures to share, words flowed too.
Four walls erected around us
Home we call it, safe and secure.
Our intentions pure, wild monsters not to lure,
A roof over our heads, the weather to endure.
Within these four walls, a place to not worry,
To rest, relax and rejuvenate,
To create, connect and cogitate.
A comforting place to be until
Injury or illness
Unimagined, uninvited, unexpected
Always unintended
Hold us imprisoned
Trap us unthrilled
Force us no matter how strong willed
To stay inside a four walled cage.
Isolation presses in
Pain shrinks our field of view
Like blinders on a horse
No sight to either side
Fatigue transforms vision to a tunnel
Everything small and far away
Left unchecked pressing in, narrowing, receding
Darkness takes over.
The inspiration, vibrance, wonder and awe
Become frozen in place, waiting to thaw
Flower buds opening
Birds feeding young
Water rushing over stones
Pine trees towering stately overhead
All recede into the darkness as memories.
As the days pass
The memories rapidly fail
Like trying to remember
The voice or eyes of someone who has passed
Shriveling up and blowing away
Like leaves on a late fall breeze.
Never complete, light always penetrates the dark
Perhaps only a tiny pinprick
But nonetheless there,
Not to be deterred by its size,
Standing tall and proud for all to see.
Even on a moonless night,
Stars remain to shine their light.
Under the largest rock,
sow bugs and worms still transform detritus into rich earth.
In the darkest corners of the ocean,
That never see the light of day,
Fantastic creatures nonetheless breathe and thrive.
Light pricks
No matter how small
Possess the power
To dissolve the walls.
Through the illness and the pain
All the awe and wonder still remain.
They shine through the crack
Concentrated focus and attention
Hold the power to crumble the walls
Revealing more light
And releasing healing energies.
Along with the words there was a journey of images, filled with adventures seeking out cracks, light, awe, wonder, inspiration and healing.
